(4B) Breaking - Truth and Courage

Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”

So December 3rd, I realized my marriage had ran its course. My husband was gone and I was ready to move on with my life. Back in September I met, a beautiful soul that I had an immediate connection with. As soon as we saw one another but I put him in a box in that Forbidden Forest. At the time I met him, I was still trying to work through my marriage. So I dared not cross that line.

Well December 6th, I sat in my tub smoking, and the lid flew off that box, bringing this man to the forefront. Full of THC and sudden courage to take a chance on myself, be impulsive and do something that "I WANTED TO DO". I jumped in that man's inbox. We immediately, became best friends. Shortly, after becoming friends, he had a family tragedy that hit home for me. I could feel his pain. We built our friendship on complete honestly.

December 11th my husband was back home, the plan was for him to stay through Christmas for the kids. But I had told him we were no more. We weren't sharing a bed. I had not slept with him since a week after Thanksgiving. I had no interest in sleeping with him. Our last time together I got my first ever yeast infection and I was misreable. I received it right after he went bowling with co workers at 4p but didn't return home until 3a. So drunk he could not walk.

When I looked at him I no longer saw, what was keeping me going. From the moment I met my husband, I always saw a light in him. I no longer saw his light, it was gone. I didn't know this man. My husband was gone, but I saw this coming 3 years prior, Spirit showed me this moment. But I tried so hard to force us together. I was afraid of being without him. But Spirit sent me, my best friend to show me what it looked like to be loved and cared for. I just didn't know it, yet.

December 16th, my female best friend drove up to take me out for my birthday. She wanted me to just get my mind off everything going on. Give me sometime to just be free. Well, this also gave me a window to spend alone time with my male best friend. He drove up late that night and met me at my hotel. Room 933, the angel number of love.

In that room found myself wrapped in the arms of someone that made me feel so comfortable in my skin. I found myself is newly found territory a space where I had the freedom to be "ME". This new found freedom had me open in a way I'd never been able to be before. I found myself yearning, wanting to allow him to see more of me, see my pain. In such a short time period he gained access to every part of me. He stimulated my intellect, my spirit, HELL WE'RE ALL ADULTS and MY BODY.

I've never been comfortable with sex. However, sex with him, he encased a protective bubble over me. This allowed me to be open, wild, and free. In such a short time I went from shy and timid in the bed to full on freak nasty. I mean we'd get pretty wild and I loved every minute of it. Though I'm separated from my husband and working towards divorce. I often thought of this man and the possibilities of having a life after my marriage.

Quickly after that night we had a bond so strong that I could feel when his mind was stirring, and he would call the moment I'd open my eyes because he could feel my energy awaken. He was my biggest fan when I'd be my worst enemy. He encouraged and pushed me to just be me. It was refreshing to have someone that listened and took interest in my every aspect of my life. I honestly, thought this could become something and we'd be unstopped, us against the world.

So I thought.

When I needed him most, during a time when I shared with him a secret I'd buried from myself. I was in shock to find that he had disappeared. In that moment, we were making plans to meet up, I started a conversation about a dark secret that no one knew about me. Hell, I had forgotten it however. Recent events triggered this dark coping mechanism. Ready to tell him what I'd done, without putting any thought behind it at all. I opened mouth, but nothing came out.

I wanted to say it but I froze. This should be revealed to him in person I thought. Tiarra this will hurt. This one was like I was taking a bandage of a bleeding wound that had been left untreated since I was 7 years old. I covered and hid it from the world, from myself. For him, he always wanted to help me though the pain, and I knew he cared. But this was so heavy, he didn't know how heavy. Please just not now, not like this, not over the phone. I panicked under my breath.

In that moment, his frustration overpowered me and I immediately felt like that scared 7 year old that was at the center of that very secret. His deep voice muttered I'll call you later, but I felt it later was not going to come. I felt his energy escape my body, we were no longer connected, that bond disappeared. He was gone.

So in an attempt to pull him back to me, I dropped it all in a text, my dark secret. I placed my phone face down and sat on my bathroom floor talking myself down from a panic attack. THATS WHEN I FELT IT, I began to break. I remember the pain I felt, I torn right down the middle. And the left side was arguing with the right.

WHY WHY WHY?! Why, would you text that?! Bitch are you crazy that was stupid. This man is going to feel like you're damaged beyond repair. That was the worst mistake of your life to show him that pain. I tried calling, texting still pouring my feelings into trying to salvage our beautiful moment.

After no luck, I decided to back off and leave him be. I got angry, if he could leave that easily over something so stupid than FUCK HIM Right. Who wants that in their life. Hell, it's better to find out now than to have another 14 years of hard lessons right. We hate him right.

No, Sis my Spirit sat and held me. You both shared a beautiful moment, and that was what it was meant to be for now a moment. Who's to say things can't come back full circle you don't know but at this time just cherish the moment, and find the lesson.

We release him with grace he served his purpose for now. We met so that I would have a moment of letting my hair down. So I could get a taste of what could be if I just try being more open to possibilities. Hell me jumping in his inbox was an accomplishment in it self. Never in my 33 years of life have I ever had the courage to tell a guy that I liked him.

I shot my first shot ever and honestly it may have only been for a moment but I caught someone. Imagine how many shoot and miss daily but they have the courage to go on. This didn't stick and that's ok why are we looking to be tied down when we haven't fully released our dead weight. My husband may have been weighing me down but I'm also finding ways to weigh myself down too. Let's release it all Sis. We don't need it. Society tells us get married have kids, and live a stable life.

But if you are compromising most of yourself for the love of another are you truly stable? Can you truly be happy? Or are you just breaking yourself into pieces?

Let's learn to be truthful with ourselves and have the courage to live our truth.