Crowned and Waisted
- Tiarra Davis
- Oct 27, 2023
- 15 min read
Updated: Oct 30, 2023
Crowned and Waisted is a Spiritual retreat Hosted and Lead by Soulflower.
HooDoo Hannah is almost always a special guest. (links go to the next retreat as well as these beautiful women's pages)
This was my first spiritual retreat and foundation of my healing journey. I knew because Spirit told me this retreat was about healing from the feet to the crown. Yes, feet to crown. To heal yourself you must start backwards and work your way forward. Start at the bottom and move to the top. Start within and it will materialize outside of you. I specifically heard "You NEED this".
It was confirmed when Soulflower sent me a direct invite and disclosed the theme. My heart jumped for joy. However, due to my current circumstances I was worried about someone watching the kids and paying for the experience. Spirit told me not to worry. A twist and turn of events happened. Allowing me to be able to attend the retreat and with my mom nonetheless. My mom and I don't have the best relationship. I still have a lot of pain that I'm dealing with when it comes to my childhood and relationship with her as well as my father. But I truly do hope that they heal from their own pain to become better people. And love themselves better.
However, I don't think about or focus on them. I focus on me because if you don't learn anything else from this me or this post. Baby, I beg that you at least learn one thing.
The only person you can control in any situation at any given time in any given place; IS YOU. You can't control nothing and no one but you. So the key to life is to focus on yourself. Stop trying to control people, places, things, situations, and circumstances.
Back to the retreat. My mother and I had obstacles trying to keep us from being in attendance. This was how I knew I needed to be there. Spirit kept saying no matter what you have to go. My mother fell ill the day before but even she was like no. Something says we need to be there, we have to go. I'll be fine. The next morning she was good to go. We had a minor issue upon our arrival with some outsiders. Then, once all the other ladies arrived we had another unexpected situation with a neighbor. If I haven't learned anything its things happens in 3's around me. Be it good, bad or ugly. So I knew this was the place to be. There was no way all these unforeseen incidents were a "coincidence". We started with the retreat by getting a smoke cleanse.
A smoke cleanse is when you bathe/fan smoke over your entire body you inhale it as well. You may use incense, sage, or an assortment of herbs depending on what you're doing. Are you cleansing negativity, are you cleansing and calling in positivity, prosperity, etc. I inhaled the smoke as I received my cleansing. At that moment I felt the smoke come into my body. It cleansed every corner and crevice. I closed my eyes and saw the smoke push smog down to my feet. Then bring it back up and out of my mouth. I lie to you not and when I exhaled I felt lightheaded, and I rocked a little bit. Out of embarrassment that someone may have seen me. I took my own experience that I clearly experienced, and convinced myself that I was just high. I am forever grateful for the experience. And though someone is reading this saying well if you weren't high it would have been better. Well, no for the sake of my mental capacity at that moment I needed to be high. If I wasn't high then logic would have had me convince myself that I was crazy. I would have then brushed off the experience as a whole. However, nightly I introspect about my days. I use both logic and intuition to sort through lessons. When I am high, my consciousness is elevated. It allows me to be more free and open to experiences Spiritual encounters. Again, being an over-thinker, and more logical than most, I have developed the ability to take experiences and convince my brain to delete it, to not register it ever happened. You could witness the same event and I will tell you it never happened. ANYWAY, I regret nothing. Everything happened the way it did because it needed to. You can kiss my ass if you feel otherwise. Matter of fact, why are you still here if you're just judging me? GOOD-BYE YOU MAY EXIT.
If you're still here. Back to the experience.
The smoke bowl caught flame just as we finished cleansing everyone. Those that know fire symbolize transformations. Will know and understand that, there was no greater sign Spirit could give us that this retreat was going to be profound for if not all of us, most of us. At that moment, I declared before the Spirit. I'm going to take this seriously, I'm going to be completely open and free; like a little kid. And I'm more free and child-like when I'm high sooo GO FIGURE. So yes I was high for the retreat but that was the state of mind I needed to be in to experience Spirit. Without trying to convince myself of logic and explain everything to my brain. I know my body, Spirit and my brain are separate so I process things differently from others.
We moved on to a foot washing ritual. We cleansed the dirt from our feet on unfamiliar land so that we could change the direction of our paths. Soulflower explained how "Your feet can lead you back to where you're familiar sometimes. And because of this, sometimes it's hard to forge a new journey." So at times in life we should cleanse with intention our feet, especially when we know it's time to move to a different path. As Soulflower washed my feet I was met with a smile and warm energy. Acts of service are her love language, as is mine. However, I never really allow people to serve, or care for me. As a child growing into an adult I wasn't nurtured and cared for. And if I dared ask most times people were busy and they'd let me know just how busy they were. They didn't have time for me. If they did care for me in any way, they'd remind me constantly. WELL IF IT WEREN'T ME DOING THIS OR THAT. So I became the why bother asking people for help person. I still don't ask but if its offered I do accept now, I also allow people to care for me. I stopped allowing it because I was also met with I did this for you, so now you gotta do this for me.
However, I for one take joy in serving others, and I know not everyone likes serving. So knowing that was her love language and seeing her smile. I knew she was genuinely happy at that moment, which allowed me to be open to the service. I felt happy, relaxed and loved. I felt love in that moment with her. She gave me love and I gave her love back. Once done, we were prompted to go pour the dirty water onto the land. Honoring our past paths and what we learned. There were herbs, oils, and flowers in the water so we were also giving back to Mother Earth what we borrowed to cleanse feet.
Spirit guided me to a tree and told me to dig. I squat down and with my bare hands I dug a hole. As I dug, Spirit told me I was dressed in black because I was dying. I was experiencing an ego death and this retreat was my memorial. I poured the water, herbs and flowers into the hole. And I sat for a moment and I cried. There were some parts of me that I had grown to like and I knew others liked. However, Spirit explained that I was none of those things. The pain, all the hurt, I was no longer embarrassed or ashamed. Instead I was scared. I knew I wasn't dying a real death, but it was still freighting. I felt cold and alone though I was surrounded by people. I have now realized my body leading up to that day was preparing. I'd been wearing black, feeling gloomy, having stomach issues. I was in mourning, and my body was releasing toxicity physically, mentally, and Spiritually to prepare me for an Ego Death. As above so below, as within so without.
I did not know, how to feel. How do I explain this to someone?! Spirit said "you don't need to". You've been doing this alone your whole life. When things hurt you but you moved on and didn't let it change you. This is who you are, you transmute the energies within you and those around you. You're a healer, you've just never done it to this magnitude, shed yourself completely naked. Heal yourself from the inside out. You've only ever healed yourself at a surface level, you will now go deep within. You will have a complete transformation, you will take your "TRUE FORM" with time. This is the deepest death, but it's not your first. You will have 7 ego deaths, in total. Spirit, I have to do this 6 more times, I thought. I wanted off this crazy train on one end. On the other, I was like hell what could it hurt. The life I've lived. Hell, I've tried actually killing myself multiple times, so what's it to have 7 Spiritual deaths. F it Spirit you haven't failed me yet, I shrugged as I went inside.
Inside the house and we move onto a sound bath meditation. Each sound Hannah played on her sound bowls, were attached to a different chakra. As she played the bowls, we were guided through a mediation to release trauma and pain through each chakra. When we reached our heart. I felt my whole body vibrate, I began to cry. I allowed myself to truly, feel all the emotions that I had locked out. See my heart wasn't open to avoid feeling pain. But the emotions never went away; they just sat on my chest. Which explained all my chest pains, I'd been having. I hadn't opened my heart since I was a child. Because it was filled with pain, that I didn't wanna feel. However, I needed to open my heart to release the pain in it. Which meant feeling pain enter and release at the same time. All I could do was cry, I had no sound, no voice, just tears and pain.
After my heart was empty, I felt like a shell lying there. Just crying like a little girl. She moved to the throat chakra. As I lay in my tears, I saw and felt myself being drowned, choked, straggled and hung; over and over. Seven deaths, which explained why I would experience 7 deaths Spiritually. I had 7 physical ones I needed to heal from. Death by my throat, explains why I don't speak up for myself, and why my mouth can get me into sticky situations. I have spoken up for many causes over my lifetimes and have been put to death because of it. So in this lifetime I stopped speaking out altogether. The pain was so unbearable. I felt ashamed and crazy afterwards but at that moment. As I twitched, I held myself, I cried more and finally I let out a scream. Somewhere, somehow my voice returned. And, the pain was too much to keep in. I cried out-loud. Eyes still closed I felt myself sink deep into darkness. I was in that hole I'd just dug and buried my dirty water in. When the pain was gone, all that remained was a 3 year old girl, laying in a ball, crying her eyes out.
Then this woman appears in this bright light. I can't see her face clearly, but she smiles. I only saw her smile, so loving, nurturing, welcoming and warm. Next thing, I know it she's rubbing my hair and humming, the first song I ever played on my saxophone. I see my 3 year old self, sitting on the floor, leaned over in her lap. I had on a white gown and so did she. She just smiles, massages my scalp, and hums. Before I know it I'm humming out loud. Later the beautiful woman who performed our smoke bath, grabbed me. She hugged me tightly and said "your release was so beautiful". I dropped my head because I felt like a psycho. But now looking back at the experience it was beautiful, but I know I looked and sounded crazy.
I would normally get in my head about the things I can do and I've experienced. Worry about what other people think. No longer do I worry, think about it, or care. My life experiences are my own and unless you're here with me experiencing it or your me in that moment you can't begin to understand.
How can you?!
#1 you weren't there
#2 you're not in my body. She explained that as she was having her moment of release and felt a familiar presence. Me humming confirmed for her that the presence she felt was her grandmother. The song I hummed, was a song her grandmother sang to her. As I hugged her I felt the energy of the woman that came to me. I did not know this woman, we'd only just met. But now that I understand my gifts. I now know that this woman's grandmother came to me and consoled me because I'd never had that type of love. A nurturing motherly love. She was there for her grand-daughter, but also held space for me. She found the little girl in the dark wet hole, pulled her out and nurtured love into her soul. She taught me that, just like I'd give love to those who weren't my family, as if they were. That I could open to receive it as well and it was okay to receive it.
We then mingled, shopped with the vendors, and had dinner. I met some of the most beautiful women. I was taken back by all the shades of brown, all the hair textures, all the styles. I was in heaven. A bunch of women coming together, heal spiritually and support one another. I was surrounded by a lot of women, who seemed to be genuine. Many of them having, acts of service as their love language. Just openly serving one another. I was open completely and having a euphoric experience. I was captivated by these women's auras, energy fields, their eyes, smiles, teeth, how they laughed, all the smells, I experienced each and every woman I interacted with. I allowed myself to be present in every moment. Just starstruck by the beauty of all that was unfolding before my eyes, it was pure bliss. I danced in the rain, I ran barefoot on the land, I got dirty. I was free, a feeling I had not felt in years. PURE FREEDOM, NO CARES IN THE WORLD. That night I sat on the porch smoking and journaling. I released a lot more in private. My ancestors gathered on the land, as I looked out in the fog. I knew, I was being watched. I felt safe, secure, and at peace.
I went inside to finally, lay myself down to rest. Just as I drifted off, my Auntie Hannah came to me and hugged me. She told me how proud she was of me, and that she loved me. That night, I got the best sleep I've gotten in a long while. I haven't had the best sleep in my 33 years of being on this planet. I can recall all the times, I've gotten a great night's sleep. Let alone the "BEST" I have 5 best sleep experiences ever. I'm very much that I'll sleep with I'm dead, go-getter. However, I'm learning that the more sleep and the better quality. Has an affect on my abilities. I'm working on getting better at resting, relaxing and sleeping. Even if I can't sleep. I need to rest, and relax. I'm a whole vibe, but when it comes to being relaxed. I become stiff. I've never been able to relax, so it's hard for me to relax.
I've also noticed to get a better quality of sleep. I have to have complete security. All my life I've been in unsafe environments. So I didn't have the luxury of sleeping deeply. I have to feel 1000% safe, that nothing is going to happen to me while I'm asleep. This is because countless times have I been woken up out my sleep to be abused physically, mentality, emotionally or sexually. "So if I ever sleep in your presence, be proud because I have to feel super secure to close my eyes around anyone." As a child I'd be beaten out my sleep at times, so I've never had peace. Not even in sleep and out of fear of something happening. I don't allow myself to sleep heavily. If I hear the ice machine downstairs in my kitchen. I'm up and up for the remainder of the night. Any noises period, that's it I'm done with sleeping. This is because I taught myself to be hyper aware of everything around me. Not just the sounds of doors or squeaking floors but the shift in the energy. I taught myself to feel when someone comes into my energy field. That feeling when someone thinks of me. It didn't matter the thought, shit everyone that ever touched me was causing harm. I just had learn what it felt like for them to think of me. Because if they thought of me. I knew they were coming for me. Prey being hunted by a predator. That's how it feels when people think of me. AND POP MY EYES WOULD OPEN. You'd think you were coming to abuse out of my sleep but now I was prepared. Well, somewhat I'd be under the bed or covers shaking like a leaf. The next morning, we had breakfast, I walked the land and played in the rain again. Then I sat to journal and read my Tarot cards. I still felt empty. Soulflower called me in to do a yoni steam. This ritual was to release trauma and pain from the womb, and vaginal spaces. A cleanse of the sacral chakra. I felt another great release, as I sat there admiring the view of the land from the bedroom window. I listened to music and journaled again. As the steam entered my body through my sacred portal. I cried because I could feel it melting away, all the pain and trauma trapped the walls of my insides. Years of turmoil and torture. I've only ever slept with 2 people raw in my life but having 8 bodies (at that time) that I chose and all those that were involuntary. I felt all of it drain into that pot, the water was brown when it was all over. For once in life, I felt clean and pure. After which, I then took my vow of abstinence. Spirit told me 90 days. I was now clean, we would not be allowing anyone to bring their demons through my portal. The next person I'd lay with, I'd be guided to. There would be specific signs. I was given the signs to look for.
We closed the ceremony/retreat with being "Crowned and Waisted". We each received a crown and waist beads. For me the beads symbolized, my journey back to myself and Source. The Crown was to remind me that I am Royalty and I should act as such. I may not be a Queen acknowledged by the world but I'm a Queen in my own right. I and I alone, along with Spirit govern my life. I don't answer to no one but the Creator. I myself am the only one who can atone for my sins, (Jesus died for his sins, not yours if you knew that you'd live your life better. Pay for your sins now or in your next life but the bill always comes due) no one else. Even if provoked, I still have to answer for my part in every situation. I have to take accountability for the parts I played and didn't/refused to play in my own downfall.
So I now act in high regard and hold myself accountable for my life. I vowed that day, I'd no longer be steered by society's norms like cattle in a field. I'd no longer participate in foolish activities, situations with people I know are not going where I'm going. I have a standard for myself, I no longer associate with people who don't have standards, lack discipline and boundaries. Because I can't expect you to respect me and mine if you don't have any for yourself. How can you?! You have no respect for yourself. You don't love yourself, how can you love me? You don't know yourself, so how can I expect you to understand, inner-stand me or try to anyway. You don't have the mental capacity because you don't hold that space for yourself.
I knew I'd lose a lot of people, but people have been leaving me for dead my whole life. So honestly, cutting people off. That part was easy do, but hard bare. Hard because I was the one walking away now. It was easy to move on, when people left but walking away now that. That, shit hurts. I'm no quitter, and I've never had to quit on people. However, I changed my view on the situation. I removed my feelings for the people and looked at their actions. These folks quit on me, the moment I opened my mouth. So I just stood on the fact, that I knew they never liked me, they liked what I could do for them. I love you everyone but don't like how people treat me and it's making me not like them. So, I started removing myself, I can't be fake, I can't sit with people, I know I don't like.
I've never been able to do that, ever. The fact that I know a lot y'all never liked me but hung around me makes me sick.(vomits y'all bitches weird) I'm not judging y'all. But honestly, knowing makes me sick. I just can't do it, but more power to y'all. Again, I don't judge, it's just not my "Cup of Tea". I physically removed myself from the herd and started on my own journey. This was a journey to heal my pain, find myself and solidify my bond with Spirit.
Needless to say on the outside nothing had changed. But internally when I left that house to return home I was not the woman, I was when I had arrived. I was no one, a shell, an empty vessel. A blank canvas, Spirit stated I'd continue to wear black. I would earn my colors by finding my way to myself. It was time I rebuild myself the way, God sees me. But to do that I had to take off the rose colored glasses and finally look at myself. All of me, remove how I felt about myself, remove how people felt about me, remove who people viewed me. Look at my actions to see me. I sat and relived my life just as you will when you die. I sat with Spirit and we took account of all my good deeds and sins. We placed my heart on the scales of justice, and things balanced out. You see Spirit showed me that I've always led my life with love. I was just always treated unfairly, I chalked it up to life, my environment, and my "sins''. Spirit led me to see that even when I act out of haste, it's always from a place of love. Tough love but love none the less. Now it was time to lead myself with that same love.
Love yourselves right today.
Everyday and every night😘
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