(Part 1) Hurting - Confessions of an Enabler

(People this series, is for healing purposes so do not go bash or disturb my husband, if you know him. Trust me I've yelled, screamed, and blow up his phone enough. He has some growing to do. We all do. We're humans, having a human experience and we are allowed to make mistakes. Spirit chose for me to experience my pain publicly, because somewhere someone is suffering in silence. Just as I was and they need to hear, that they are not alone. They need to know, they can get out and be okay.)

We all do things for those we love and that's ok. But if you're doing it consistently and all the time, you're enabling them not to be responsible.  - Ron Miles

I met someone recently that has listened to me vent, cried, and grip about any and everything that is going wrong in my life. At the end of it all, they informed me that I was my own issue. I am an enabler.

ME! I AM AN ENABLER! NOOO! WHY WOULD I ASSIST IN MY OWN MISTREATMENT?!

Well, after deep reflection it was obvious. I am 100% an enabler. They say the way to fix a problem if to first to admit you have a problem.

Well! Hello World.

My name is Tiarra Michelle Davis and I am an enabler.

What's an enabler you ask?

Well! It's those of us that do things for our loved ones, thinking we're helping/assisting them. However, you're just enabling their misbehavior, encouraging it and may even be stunting their growth.

How can you enable someone? Good question, I'll use myself as an example.

My love language is words of affirmations, touch, affection/attention, and small gifts (thoughtful). Dating my husband I quickly learned that was not his demeanor but while dating and through the majority of our marriage I was so insecure in myself. That I didn't care, all that mattered was he was into me.

But 6 years into our 14 year relationship, I began to want these things. But being this was outside of his nature. I would get cards with only his signature no sweet nothings being written or whispered in my ears. Gifts were limited to things he picked up from the goodwill, t-shirts, gift cards, or items that were completely outside of my personality or character.

But it's the thought, that counts right. At least he's trying right.

I love him, so I should help him right. That way I keep the peace and I still get what I want.

So I began sending myself flowers, cards and small gifts with words I often wished my husband would say to me and posted them online.

Sad, right?!

I know but it's the God's honest truth. I was that desperate to be "seen, heard, and feel loved".

This kept me satisfied for a while, until 2019. By now, everything was off, the love language, communication, finances, sex. I wanted out. I promoted to a job in Charlotte,NC and was ready to leave my husband.

He realized I was mobilizing, and he came at me hard. He poured time and affection into me like never before. It brought back the feelings I had before we got married, the feelings I had before we had first child. This person, this one I knew, he was familiar. He promised, we'll go to Carolina as a family and things will be different. This is a chance for a fresh start Tee. He SWORE and PROMISED, and I BELIEVED him. Because I loved him, deeply, and more than I loved myself.

Together, we packed up and moved our family to Charlotte. We lived with his brother and family from Aug. until just before Christmas that year. A 5 person household, crammed in one bedroom. For me it was easy it, it was just like my childhood all over again.

So I was unbothered and being under someone else's roof the arguments stopped completely. There was peace in our marriage for once in a long while. My marriage will work, this was a great decision, I told myself. We moved again, this time to a 2 bedroom apartment. The girls had shared a room and we shared ours with Nathan.

Then, 2020 came, it brought COVID, and the beginning of the end of my marriage with it.

Lesson Learned:

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND THOSE YOU LOVE. I stunted my husband's growth by not remaining true to myself. Had I been true to myself I would have been honest with him. About how I was feeling so that he could, then make the choice to pivot. By doing for myself, instead of "rocking the boat". I robbed him of a choice to choose how he experienced our marriage. So as you interact with people you say you "Love", be honest with them if you really love them. Because if you genuinely love someone you'll wanna see them happy with or without because why force something to make the other miserable. Allow them a chance to choose whether they wanna compromise or learn something new so you can grow together. Or, allow them to say that's not quite what I'm looking for. I think it's best I move on, to find what I need. It's a classic Goldilocks and the 3 bears thing. So remember to allow people a choice. Then at the other end if they make a choice and the experience is not what they wanted it's not in your hands. You were honest, they chose to participate, so they would have to take accountability in the lesson they needed to learn from the experience.

Love yourself right, today, everyday and every night.

(Come back for Part 2 )