(Part 2) Hurting - Confessions of an Enabler

Hitting a wall, arguments were getting bigger and lasting longer. We argued about everything, money, sex, the kids, who's not doing what around the house. YOU NAME IT. It seemed that every time I spoke, it was the beginning of an argument.

October 2020, I promoted to a work from home position at the company we both worked at. This was just 1 year after promoting to the position that brought me to NC. So by this time I had been with the company, 6 years. He had been with the company 8 years.

I came home excited to tell my husband I promoted again. Well, we had one of our biggest and longest arguments yet that night.

As soon as the words left my lips.

HE LET ME HAVE IT: "WHY YOU ALWAYS BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR PROMOTIONS? WE ALL KNOW YOUR BETTER THAN ME? WE ALL KNOW YOU MAKE MORE MONEY THAN ME? YOU LIKE TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS OF A MAN?"

We went back and forth for 3 hrs. Me trying to convince him, that I loved him no matter how much money he made. It was pure insanity, the kids were in the living room crying because they could hear us. I finally gave up and just cried in the bathroom asking myself, WHY?! WHY can't he see I don't care about the money?! I do this for the kids and for him.

The next morning I sat and it dawn on me, that in the 8 years at this company, he had only promoted once. And, that was to the position that he got him to NC. I had promoted 4 times, so to him, it may sound like I'm bragging. I tried to see it from his point of view.

In all honestly, when we first married as our family grew I saw him work multiple jobs. I saw the stress it put on him and I felt me working to move up make more money to help with the finances of the household would help him.

I mean at the time I was paying my bills, financially caring for the kids, the car insurance on both our cars, cell phone plan and all the miscellaneous items of the house, i.e. groceries, toiletries, if anything broke. I had been in financial trouble before because I'd let my bills slip to help him with the household (Rent/mortgage, lights, water). My truck was repossessed because I took 2 payday loans before to pay the mortgage and fix our HVAC unit.

After having a stern conversation in 2016, from my father in-law because I protected my husband and didn't let the family know that my money problem was me "helping". Well, "enabling" my husband. Instead of me speaking up, questioning why things weren't getting paid and holding him accountable. After crying in the bathroom, because it hurt to take that heat while my husband sat across the room and just looked at me not once speaking up. I was determined I would never let someone make me feel that low again because I felt low after that encounter. I never spoke of it, I just took that hurt that feeling and I focused it on my career and I let it drive me. I was not gonna in that position again.

So yes I made sure I constantly promoted, because I was gonna show my father in-law, that I was not a failure. In the mist of me moving up, I didn't realize my husband was falling behind. Instead, I promote and paid more. Promoted and paid more.

But back to 2020, it's now Thanksgiving. Finally, I just got quiet. I stopped voicing my pain, instead I began to smoke and drink to mask everything. Every family event, get together, and outing, I was high out of my mind. My husband knew but to everyone else around me, I was happy because I just smiled and nodded. At night I would raid the kitchen and wake to wrappers under my bed.

I became invisible.

Finally, Christmas morning I woke up to my husband yelling about something. I got out of bed and stepped on a half eaten cupcake, and cried. I walked to the bathroom and stepped on the scale I was 180 lbs., that's a lot when your frame is only 5'2.

Determined to not allow my marriage to fail. I looked in the mirror, I decided to work on myself. It's me! I know its me! If I fix myself, my husband will like me again; at the very least, right!

Once he likes me, than I can work on regaining love.

Sounds pathetic but again it's the God's honest truth.

Well, I have recently learned that I as not helping my husband. Instead, that I was only enabling him, and not giving him room to grow. Instead, I should have used my voice to communicate what I needed, and hold him accountable for his actions. But I can't focus on what I could have or should have said. What I can say, is that I ended 2020 waiting more.

So I started working on me, and began with doing my "Shadow Work".

Lesson Learned:

NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS BUT YOU. You are the captain of your own ship. So, even in a relationship you may take control. We can't expect others to be invested in our happiness. That is because well, honestly none of us have invested into ourselves properly. See when you remain true to yourself enough to be honest with people. Then you can also be vulnerable, showing them the deepest parts of you but by being your true self and remaining true to yourself regardless of what others think . That's when you find true happiness and bliss. You can have preferences in what you like based on who you are but the fact that we allow others to influence us. That's when we give away our power. Because life is about experiencing things. SO EXPERIENCE LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT. JUST KNOW SOME WILL CALL YOU A VILLAIN, SOME WILL CALL YOU A BADASS, AND SOME WILL CALL YOU A HERO. AS LONG AS YOU REMAIN TRUE TO YOURSELF, KNOW YOUR HAPPY REGARDLESS OF HOW OTHERS FEEL. AND NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK THAT'S WHEN YOU TRULY TAKE POWER AND CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE. Because at the end of the day it doesn't matter what choice you make. Whether you saw the message and learned the lesson.

Love yourself right, today, everyday and every night.

(Come back for part 3)

Last photo of 2020

(People this series, is for healing purposes so do not go bash or disturb my husband, if you know him. Trust me I've yelled, screamed, and blow up his phone enough. He has some growing to do. We all do. We're humans, having a human experience and we are allowed to make mistakes. Spirit chose for me to experience my pain publicly, because somewhere someone is suffering in silence. Just as I was and they need to hear, that they are not alone. They need to know, they can get out and be okay.)